signing off.

the past few months have been a roller coaster to say that least. it was not until this past week, that I was finally able to make some sort of peace with the current state of things. I have hope that in time, all with Bug and I will be right. it is that hope that is carrying me through this time.

parenting of any kind is a challenge to say that least. to go from being a carefree, self serving, relatively responsibility free person- to a parent in a matter of 9 sort months is a difficult thing to explain to someone who has not gone through it themselves. there are certainly challenges that face each parent, and there are days when it seems as though giving up is the safest bet- but being a parent is hands down the best "job" ever. [i only wish the time spend resulted in financial gain, or at least counted for some community service hours for scholarships only kidding. sort of. ]

as I close out this semester and prepare for the summer, and the ongoing custody situation- I have decided to take on an additional challenge. the time I spent this semester reading the blogs of other mothers made me realize how many of us there are out there and how few of us feel truly connected (outside the blogging world) to other young, single mothers. I, along with a group of young mothers I have met over the course of this year, have decided to start a group that will give advice (based on experience) to expectant mothers. We all felt very unprepared (even though we all attended parenting and birthing courses at the hospital) for what labor and even life with a baby would be like. We also have all experienced the different endings to young parenthood situations: marriage, breakups, custody issues, etc. These experiences if shared can serve as a great tool for those who are so young, and so unprepared for what lies ahead. I hope to make a difference in someone's life and to help them ease into this very difficult situation with some grace :).

thank you all for the kind words of support offered throughout this semester, it has served as a great source of encouragement on rough days.

this is me, signing off.

wednesdays.

wednesdays have become the days I live for.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was going to set Wednesdays aside for bug and I to just forget about everything thats going on in life- and go on some mini road trips to some fun spots in Florida. Thus far, we have gone to Sea World, Mosi, and Lowry Park Zoo.

I have found these "mommy/bug" days to be a great stress reliever. and to be honest, they have in a way helped me to finally feel completely comfortable in my "single mom role". There is nothing that screams "You are alone!" than going to some of the most family filled places, with just your baby.

It has definitely been a positive experience because I have been learning so many lessons about how to be a more effective parent; these trips are serving a good many purposes, but on top of all of it bug and I are getting to spend real quality time together. time that is not wrapped up in homework, work, court preparation, etc.

Countdown of the top five lessons I've learned in the past month:

5. Leave the cute, oversized purse at home. While I feel much hipper with the cute purse that is supposed to take the place of the standard diaper bag, it is very inconvenient. Instead, opt for the less "cute" and more user friendly backpack.

4. Avoid ANY gift shops for things like bottled water. Instead, opt for the side stands. Once you enter gift shops, or as i call it "credit card hell"- your child will instantly see a million things they want. And if you child is anything like mine, will properly name the stuffed animals and will guilt you into spending $40 on something worth maybe $5.

Keep in mind, your child will be over this overpriced toy before you even make it into the parking lot.

3. Charge your camera the night before. There is nothing more frustrating than standing in a long line for your child to pet the dolphin, only to realize when she gets to- your camera is dead. And to top it all off, you can buy a photo from the staff (ONE YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN FOR FREE had you charged your camera), for the low price of $30. --- I don't know about you but at $30 a picture, I expect the photo to talk.

2. Pack plenty of snacks and water. A day at a theme park will inevitably leave you and your child hungry. Unless you want to pay $10 for a bag filled with three tiny crackers- I suggest you pack plenty.

1. Bring sunscreen and a hat. Those two things will save you from paying all week, for what you did in one day.

Of course, not a rule but make sure to enjoy all the time you spend with your little ones. It really is a joy- and something I have learned should not be taken for granted.

Not the complaint department.

Oh, the art of a good complaint.

I have to say that I never realized how different people view situations until I became a parent. Not just a parent (which comes with a host of its own complaints), but a single parent (that one word adds an insane amount of worry and yes- complaints.)

A few of my recently married with children girlfriends have called me with their list of complaints- most of which stem from 2 main problems. Usually, I am a good listener and a pretty great at offering advice, but for whatever reason when it comes to these conversations- I turn into a raging bitch.

Complaint 1: Oh gosh, its so frustrating. I have to get up with the baby during the night. My husband (boyfriend, etc) only warms up the bottle and changes the diaper- and then he goes to bed and leaves me on my own.

Response 1: As a single mom, "On my own" is a way of life. A warm bottle, a diaper change---- yeah, all of that is done "on my own". So next time you want to complain about doing things alone, perhaps you should stop and feel some gratitude for the help you do have. Oh how nice it would be to roll over and ask my significant other to get a bottle, change a diaper, rock a baby- but all of those things are done alone. Now don't get me wrong, I do understand that each situation comes with its own problems.. my rational mind allows me to acknowledge that- but during this conversations- these are the responses that come to mind.

Complaint 2: I only get two days to myself a week. And only like 4 hours on those two days combined for me time.

Response 2: First, welcome to parenthood. period. Second, as a single mom I rarely shower alone. If I want to shower without the little one- If i want to shower alone it must occur between the hours of 11p.m. and 5 a.m. Alone time/"Me Time", no longer exists in my vocabulary. Unless you count the time in school and work- and those do not fall into the category of "free time".

Again, while I understand that different situations come with their own set of complaints and problems, I wish that my friends could be thankful for the help they do have; and learn to enjoy that help and rejoice in it. Because for me, that help is not there- and I would give anything for a warmed bottle, a clean diaper, and a hug at the end of the day.

word bank.

update: first I wanted to let you all know that the court process is only in it's beginning stages. my next court date is june 2. at the court date, i will be asking the judge for a psych. evaluation for bug's father. hopefully (seriously, fingers are crossed on this one), the judge will give award me at least that.

on to more exciting news! Bug is beginning to form quite the word bank. I am certain that most children begin to learn to words and phrases at this point, however, it is always exciting when YOUR own child begins learning.

[http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/language_development.shtml] this link includes a chart as to where your child should be at each age group in terms of language development.

one of the key points in Bug's age group (18 months) is that children have a vocabulary between 5-20 words.

okay here comes proud mommy moment number 1,000 (haha), Bug has a vocabulary of almost 100 words. the latest words to enter into bugs vocabulary: [bubbles, elmo, nemo, bird, toy, bear, night-night, whats that?, who?, dance, chalk, poopie, pound it, high five, come on, car, go, lets go, yes mommy, please, thanks, (sanks), ear, eye, mouth. ]..

she has also learned to "pound it"- bump fists with someone else; the clap song (featured on barney), and "head, shoulders, knees, and toes". she can, and does quite frequently, identify any "boo-boos" that could possibly be on her body. week old scratches still illicit the response "owwww".

keeping this all in perspective, I am certain that there are many children (in fact, when comparing with my friends, most of our children do the same cute things- each of us quickly are shot back into reality that OUR child is not the most intelligent, perfect human being ever- but rather passing through another developmental stage.) that can successfully identify animals, dance, pound it and high five. instead of trying to impress others with the skills and abilities of our own children, we should privately celebrate and rejoice in each milestone!

Court Date.

Sorry for my absence blogging world.

Unfortunately, life has taken a strange turn for me in last few weeks. A turn that has left me feeling upside down and lost.

Three mondays ago, I planned a lunch date with a girlfriend of mine and her little one. Bug and I loaded up in the car and headed to a local sandwich/soup restaurant. As I pulled up to the stop light right before the restaurant, this sick feeling came over me. I felt like I should turn around and go home- but instead I ignored my gut and I forged on.

[a side note to this story is that I have not seen/heard from Bug's dad in 5 months][there is a long history of verbal/emotional abuse, and a few instances of physical abuse- that have landed us in a situation where I cannot speak to him or see him without being in a lot of fear].

Keeping that in mind, Bug and I arrive at the sandwich shop and are greeted by my friend and her baby. We get into line to order, and out of nowhere we are bombarded by Bug's father. He began trying to grab Bug from my arms- she was screaming and clinging to me. The whole exchange ended in the police being called- and a domestic violence battery charge being filed against him.

Fast forward to this past monday- the first day of spring break- and the first of a series of hearings that I will have to attend to determine the custody situation of my daughter.

This first hearing was for the order of protection I currently have. It was to determine whether it should be made permanent. My lawyer was tied up in another previously scheduled hearing- so I was supposed to request a continuance and that was to be the end of it.

Of course, things never go as planned.

Her father's lawyer ended up objecting to the continuance and through a series of strange events (including the judge ordering my lawyer to leave her hearing to come to his court which cannot happen. and did not happen.) the judge ordered me to decide the visitation situation right then.

So without hearing an evidence as to why I wanted to order of protection or anything- the judge quickly began trying to sort out what was best for her father- instead of my daughter.

I plan to continue to blog about my experiences in court- and would love to hear about others experiences as I go through this long journey.

Lottery Ticket.

Education courses in college can give you a pretty depressing outlook on the future of your child when you are a single parent. Frequently, professors will refer to the students you will one day teach and the situations that they face at home that will make them difficult in class. One of the most common examples of said situation is the student raised by a single mother. Those students will be poor, have bad manners and anger problems, and they will not be able to focus. Chances are that child will be a juvenile deliquent- these are the students we have to look out for.

Hearing these things, day after day, class after class, has made me determined to not only be the exception to that assumption in the raising of my daughter- but to also be the type of teacher that does not made this generalizations and to treat each student with great care and respect. I also plan on treating the parents of these students will the respect that they deserve- as a struggling single mom, I know the frustrations and the struggles and the amount of hardwork (DONE ALONE) to make sure my daughter is raised in a healthy, loving, environment.

With all that said, I am frequently looking for articles about single parenting, especially ones that include statistics. While doing one of my searches I came across a blog post written by John Hawkins for the site http://www.rightwingnews.com/. The article is definitely worth reading, and I will be addressing what I found to be some of the most disturbing snippets and ones that just continue to feed the ignorance that drips over single mothers.

http://www.rightwingnews.com/mt331/2009/04/ann_coulter_on_single_mothers.php

The article begins with Hawkins giving his brief summary on the abilities of single parents. It is his belief that single parents, no matter how well intentioned, will never be able to reach their potential as parents. Marriage is essential and directly linked to success as a parent. Apparently, a home in which both parents cannot stand one another is better than a home with only one parent.

However, as a society, we need to understand: staying in a marriage, even a bad marriage, is better for the children except in the most egregious cases because single parents, even conscientious, well meaning single parents, generally don't do as good a job raising their children as two parent families.

Hawkins justifies his ignoRANT RANT by copying and pasting facts listed in the Ann Coulter book, Guilty. The chapter in which she places all her fun facts is entitled "Victim of a Crime?, Thank a Single Mother." Coulter's attack on single mothers is vicious and unnecessary- it cuts them down swiftly and continues to step all over the pieces that are left. She not only blames single mothers for crime, and dropouts- but for suicides and continued teenage births. Coulter goes so far to blame single mothers for rapists. She does not point a finger at the thousands of fathers that CHOSE to leave- and CHOSE to not be involved- but the single mothers who have to work multiple jobs, and scrap by to make ends meet in order to provide THEIR children with a good life.

Here is the lottery ticket that single mothers are handing their innocent children by choosing to raise them without fathers. .. the strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison is that he was raised by a single parent.... Seventy two percent of juvenile murderers and 60 percent of rapists come from single-mother homes. Seventy percent of teenage births, dropouts, suicides, runaways, juvenile delinquents, and child murderers involve children raised by single mothers.... Imagine an America with 70 percent fewer juvenile delinquents, 70 percent fewer teenage births, 63 to 70 percent fewer teenage suicides and 70 percent to 90 percent fewer runaways and you will appreciate what the sainted single mothers have accomplished.

Coulter continues her rant by discussing how children who are put up for adoption do not have the problems that children raised by single mothers do. Suggesting heavily, that the solution to the problems facing America is for the single mothers to "do the right thing" and give their children up.

...Not surprisingly, unwed mothers who care enough to give their children up for adoption also come overwhelmingly from responsible backgrounds. You will note that we do not read about adopted children filling up the prisons, welfare rolls, and runaway shelters. Adopted children are no worse off-- and, indeed, are generally better off than non-adopted children.

Hawkins selects several other quotes from Coulter's book, some of which point out the burden single mothers put on tax payers, statistics about how unwed mothers are more likely to be victims of domestic violence that the wonderful married woman, and that unwed mothers are less likely to marry than other single women. I won't include this quotes, but I found them to be even more proof of the ignorant attitude of many conservatives, as well as Americans in general. As I was reading I wondered if Ann Coulter, or John Hawkins in his analysis of this work thought to ask WHY? Why would unwed mothers be more likely to the victims of domestic violence? BECAUSE they CHOSE not to marry the person that was causing them this pain- they chose to leave that relationship and raise their children ALONE to avoid having their INNOCENT children witness the abuse at the hands of their father. They made a brave and difficult decision, to love their children with everything they have, to sacrifice dreams, to build a life that is worth living!

different.

No, my daughter is not a unicorn.





Over the course of the last 18 months, it has come to my attention that not only are adults rude, but they are capable of asking questions I would expect from maybe a 3 to 5 year old child.





My daughter has a hemangioma on her forehead. It is a small (nickle sized) raised, red bump right on the hairline. (it would be covered by a bang- if she decided to ever grow hair). It is noticeable, and unusual- so it is not a total shocker that people would ask questions about it. However, being chased down in a crowded store, or asked by a gas station cashier if my daughter was a unicorn, was not at all what I would have expected.





A hemangioma is very common, benign tumor that forms during gestation, and appears anywhere from a few days to a few weeks after birth. According to my pediatrician, it will most likely disappear by the time she is five. There are of course rare cases in which the bump will not go away, and it can be surgically removed.





Bug's mark first appeared when she was almost 6 weeks old as a small, bruise like mark on her foreheard. Being a new mother, I was certain I had bumped her head on something and of course felt terrible. After a few weeks (and noticeable changes), I made an appointment with her doctor. I did not fully understand what it was (or even how to pronounce it properly), but I left assured that she was fine, and that it would go away before anyone would think to tease her. Fast forward roughly 16 months. Wow, people can be just so rude.





The first time someone thought to comment about my daughters condition was in a local Sam's club. This woman literally chased me down as I was exiting the store and exclaimed, "oh what did that little poor baby do to her head! was she naughty? Yes, she was naughty- so i beat her head? I mean honestly. [for the record, the mark does not look like ANY bruise I have ever seen in my entire life.]





Most recently, and I suppose the reason I decided to post this tonight, was an awkward and over the top incident at the local Verizon store. My daughter and I walked into the store and were greeted by an employee who was supposed to assist us in signing in. Instead, however, he decided to take it upon himself to poke fun and gawk at the mark on her head until I finally walked away.





The conversation went as follows:





Stupid man: Hello, welcome to verizon. Wow- what happened to his [please note that while i realize my daughter has little hair, she was wearing all pink] head? it looks like he ran into a coffee table.





Me: Oh. yeah. [awkward smile]





Stupid man: I mean seriously, that thing is really sticking out. It looks like a baby unicorn horn. [again, shocked here. this is now the second time in bug's life her mark has been compared to a unicorn horn. who thinks that much about unicorns?].





Stupid man: Wow it sticks out a couple of inches at least. [this is a total exaggeration on his part]


-----





Anyone who is a parent at this point knows how infurriating a moment like this can be. I guess I really never realized how much people who have physical differences are picked on and gawked at. It is definitely not something as a parent I ever wanted my daughter to have to deal with. I am hopeful that the mark will be a thing of the past in a few years- and pleased that when her special mark is long gone, those people (especially you, verizon man) will still be stupid and rude.

The photo is of my daughter, Bug.

anecdote.

frustration and joy.

Two words that have become closely linked with my life as a full-time college student, part-time employee, and single mom. Being a mother has brought my life an overabundance of joy and happiness. My daughter, sweet bug, has been such a blessing in my life since the moment I found out I was pregnant. This blog is intended to focus on my journey of balance in motherhood and life.

Juggling school, work and motherhood has been challenging to say the least. Add to that my daughters mounting health problems (and the bills associated with them), the ending of the relationship with her father (wedding plans were finalized, and then the bomb exploded), and the constant judging and criticizing from complete strangers, and you have a really crazy mess. This blog is addressing the frustrations I experience as a result of my new title "single mom".

Being a young (now 21 year old) mom comes with its own set of stereotypes that must be dealt with on an almost daily basis. I feel like discussing not only being a mom, but being a young, single mom, that is trying to create a like that will be great for both my daughter and myself is important and relevant because it gives a voice to the mothers out there not unlike myself, that feel as though the hard work, and the late night study sessions go unnoticed and under appreciated by an audience that feels the need to constantly remind us "unwed mothers" of our impending failures.

I want to share my struggles, and my stories with others because I feel as though it could serve an an encouragement to other mothers feeling overwhelmed, and perhaps enlighten those that stand in judgment. I want to separate myself from, and step outside of the MTV "Teen Mom" image, and help others to do so as well. I want to show that young, single moms are not people to serve as entertainment, but people deserving of respect and admiration.

I want my daughter to know that I fought to make her life the best it could possibly be.

I want to someone she can be proud of. I want to be someone I can be proud of.

I want other young, single mothers to know that school is not out of the question, and that having dreams and taking steps to accomplish them does not have to be a thing of the past.

I want to serve as an encouragement and an example that with hard work and sacrifice we can be both great parents, and successful students/workers.

We can have it all.

oh the joys of stereotypes.

when thinking about this past weekend a few things come to mind.

[first] what a wonderful time i had with my sweet bug on saturday. wednesdays and saturdays are "our" days. [i work sunday, monday, and fridays @ night][i go to school tuesdays and thursdays] so wednesdays and saturdays- those are our "do whatever we want without any time constraints" days. i love those days. i count down every week to those days. anyways, saturday, bug and i , went to our favorite store- Target. (bug calls this the "dog-dog" store: i think she is a genius for just this reason).

[second] how proud i am that after an entire year of signing to bug, she has started to sign back to me- ALL of the time. she has mastered the sign for more, all finished, bath, toothbrush, jacket, sleep, dog, milk, to eat, to drink..... ahh so exciting!

she also has added a few new words to her vocabulary [nonie (her name for my mother), pop-pop, noo-noos (noodles), juice, barney (hahaha), car, bike, walk, buh-bye, hi, mommy (she points to me and only me when she says this!) (my favorite moments are when she is trying to find me and she calls out "mommy" its the sweetest thing ever), belly, nose, eye, mouth, more, baa-ba (bottle).

[third] all of those exciting things are the precursor to the latest series of offensive, and ridiculous comments about "single, young moms". i work at a restaurant as a server and as such come in contact with many people every night. tonight, following a crazy rush, a few people were talking across the restaurant about single mothers. [apparently, the drunkiest of them was dating a young woman with a child] the mother of one of the drunkies began talking about how "trashy" single moms are these days and how badly she feels for the children of said "trash". another of my favorite quotes from mother dearest was "as a mother, it is impossible for me to understand why my son would want to date a woman with a child, its like here i am this mother meeting this girl who is dating my son but has a baby by some other dude"- "what is wrong with her that she is back in the dating game and not with the father". ... and so on and so forth.

i am not even sure really where to begin in all of this except for to say that she could not have been any more wrong. i completely disagree with her belief that something must be wrong with a single mother that is NOT with the father of her child. [news flash: perhaps something is wrong with the dead beat that decided NOT to be part of the life of their child][or perhaps the mother had enough sense to realize that the boyfriend she got pregnant by was not someone that was able to be a good father and therefore did what was best for her child AND TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE ALONE!] [or even still maybe both mother and father are great parents but not meant to be together - hmm.. kind of like a divorce?] regardless of which situation left the single mother, single, it is not the place of anyone to make broad generalizations only reinforcing the negative stereotyping of young, single moms.

as a single mom, i can say that none of those- not one- is something that anyone that knows me OR my daughter would say about our situation. i am a hard working, full time student, and dedicated mother. i do not go out. i do not party. i have two nights a month (yes two) that i spend doing things for myself- whether that is a date, or a night out with friends- i plan my life around the needs of my daughter. [i don't see the "trashy"-ness in that]. my daughter is well taken care of, she wears nice clothes, she is always clean, and always has a clean diaper. she wears shoes when necessary. (nothing about her screams "trash" or "spawn of trash") . i would like to believe that while i am a single mom- there is nothing inherently wrong with me. i am not with the father of my child, not because of anything wrong with me, but because he was not right for my daughter or myself. his life and the life we are living did not match up. so here i am, working a job, going to school full time, supporting my daughter without any financial help from her father... and instead of being lifted up and supported by the community of people that surrounds me, i have become a stereotype. a not quite good enough, never going to make it, trashy girl.

perhaps if people spent more time uplifting the community of single mothers, that community would be able to succeed at a larger percentage- if you will someone to fail, and you never offer support or encouragement- those single mothers will fail or they will succeed and it will go unnoticed and under appreciated.

http://www.typeamom.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&Itemid=77&id=974: i found this link to be especially inspiring when thinking about this topic.

the adventure begins..

my first blog.

i am fairly excited to enter into the blogging world. i hope that this blog, my blog, is able to reach people and stir up some conversation.

as a relatively new parent ( my sweet bug is almost 18 months old), i plan on blogging about my thoughts and experiences related to parenting. i also want to write about some controversial issues in the world of parenting. i am hoping for advice, opinions, and am excited to hear about the experiences of those in the parenting community.

i guess i should describe my situation. i am a twenty one year old single mother to beautiful baby girl, who i affectionately call bug. i am also a full time college student at a university in florida. i work as a server at a local sushi restaurant-though i hope to someday be a college professor. [currently i am working towards a secondary english education degree- which will allow me to obtain a position as a high school english teacher]

i am not going to use this blog to vent about the father of my child- though i feel it important to mention that he is not in any way involved in my daughter's life [this becomes relevant only in the sense that i will be writing from the perspective of a completely single parent- i play both mother and father, nurturer and provider, disciplinarian and comforter]

i love my daughter and look forward to sharing about my experiences in this adventure of motherhood.