when thinking about this past weekend a few things come to mind.
[first] what a wonderful time i had with my sweet bug on saturday. wednesdays and saturdays are "our" days. [i work sunday, monday, and fridays @ night][i go to school tuesdays and thursdays] so wednesdays and saturdays- those are our "do whatever we 
want without any time constraints" days. i love those days. i count down every week to those days. anyways, saturday, bug and i , went to our favorite store- Target. (bug calls this the "dog-dog" store: i think she is a genius for just this reason).
want without any time constraints" days. i love those days. i count down every week to those days. anyways, saturday, bug and i , went to our favorite store- Target. (bug calls this the "dog-dog" store: i think she is a genius for just this reason). [second] how proud i am that after an entire year of signing to bug, she has started to sign back to me- ALL of the time. she has mastered the sign for more, all finished, bath, toothbrush, jacket, sleep, dog, milk, to eat, to drink..... ahh so exciting!
she also has added a few new words to her vocabulary [nonie (her name for my mother), pop-pop, noo-noos (noodles), juice, barney (hahaha), car, bike, walk, buh-bye, hi, mommy (she points to me and only me when she says this!) (my favorite moments are when she is trying to find me and she calls out "mommy" its the sweetest thing ever), belly, nose, eye, mouth, more, baa-ba (bottle).
[third] all of those exciting things are the precursor to the latest series of offensive, and ridiculous comments about "single, young moms". i work at a restaurant as a server and as such come in contact with many people every night. tonight, following a crazy rush, a few people were talking across the restaurant about single mothers. [apparently, the drunkiest of them was dating a young woman with a child] the mother of one of the drunkies began talking about how "trashy" single moms are these days and how badly she feels for the children of said "trash". another of my favorite quotes from mother dearest was "as a mother, it is impossible for me to understand why my son would want to date a woman with a child, its like here i am this mother meeting this girl who is dating my son but has a baby by some other dude"- "what is wrong with her that she is back in the dating game and not with the father". ... and so on and so forth.
i am not even sure really where to begin in all of this except for to say that she could not have been any more wrong. i completely disagree with her belief that something must be wrong with a single mother that is NOT with the father of her child. [news flash: perhaps something is wrong with the dead beat that decided NOT to be part of the life of their child][or perhaps the mother had enough sense to realize that the boyfriend she got pregnant by was not someone that was able to be a good father and therefore did what was best for her child AND TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE ALONE!] [or even still maybe both mother and father are great parents but not meant to be together - hmm.. kind of like a divorce?] regardless of which situation left the single mother, single, it is not the place of anyone to make broad generalizations only reinforcing the negative stereotyping of young, single moms.
as a single mom, i can say that none of those- not one- is something that anyone that knows me OR my daughter would say about our situation. i am a hard working, full time student, and dedicated mother. i do not go out. i do not party. i have two nights a month (yes two) that i spend doing things for myself- whether that is a date, or a night out with friends- i plan my life around the needs of my daughter. [i don't see the "trashy"-ness in that]. my daughter is well taken care of, she wears nice clothes, she is always clean, and always has a clean diaper. she wears shoes when necessary. (nothing about her screams "trash" or "spawn of trash") . i would like to believe that while i am a single mom- there is nothing inherently wrong with me. i am not with the father of my child, not because of anything wrong with me, but because he was not right for my daughter or myself. his life and the life we are living did not match up. so here i am, working a job, going to school full time, supporting my daughter without any financial help from her father... and instead of being lifted up and supported by the community of people that surrounds me, i have become a stereotype. a not quite good enough, never going to make it, trashy girl.
perhaps if people spent more time uplifting the community of single mothers, that community would be able to succeed at a larger percentage- if you will someone to fail, and you never offer support or encouragement- those single mothers will fail or they will succeed and it will go unnoticed and under appreciated.
http://www.typeamom.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&Itemid=77&id=974: i found this link to be especially inspiring when thinking about this topic.
Good for you for sticking with the sign language! My wife (and I, a bit) started signing, but we didn't follow through. Having that communicability is great.
ReplyDeleteI not only commend you for being there for your child, but I question whether two nights off a month are even enough.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are divorced (people tend to apologize when I say this, which is odd to me because my parents are complete opposites and would have been MISERABLE if they stayed together). My mom got custody, and I mostly grew up with her. She was something of a supermom, working late hours, coming home to make dinner, going back to school whenever she could. She sacrificed and no matter how hard you try to hide something like this, it shows, especially to your kids.
In high school, I would literally watch my mom fall asleep at the dinner table with her fork still in her hand (at first it was kind of funny, but ultimately...quite sad). She used to paint, and she used to draw, neither of which she does anymore. We used to paint these really cool Nefertiti busts together when I was in kindergarten...hers were impeccable; mine quite sloppy. But it was such great fun.
My mom has a very old school mindset, and I think that she ultimately believed that as a single mother, she had to give up everything to ensure my well-being. Don't get me wrong - I'm well aware and quite grateful of her sacrifice. But, at the cost of her happiness, I sometimes wonder whether or not it was really worth it...you know what I mean?
I guess what I'm trying to say, as a child of a "broken" home, is that you should still do whatever it is - be it shopping, photography, or teaching your little girl ASL (which, needless to say, is beyond awesome; I didn't learn how to sign until 8th grade and even then it was just a semester course) - that makes you feel happy with yourself and your life.
As a graduate student candidate (fingers crossed), I really don't think my mom did a poor job raising me. I certainly don't view her as trashy and probably the most trashy thing about me is a bizarre obsession with daytime television (Judge Mathias, you're so entertaining! Judge Milian of People's Court, both witty and beautiful!). But, there's always been a looming sense of guilt that my mom could not enjoy herself because she was too worried about me, when I wanted nothing more than to see her happy. For once in her life.
So, I say, more power to you for being a single mom, and even more power for placing the world upon your shoulders for both you and your little girl. My only caveat is that you please make sure to do things that will keep you happy and enjoying yourself. Happiness is, as they say, contagious. I look forward to hearing more about your escapades :)
This post made me thrilled and angry all at the same time. Thrilled because the love and adoration you posess for your daughter is unequivocal and undeniable and angry because of the comments you had to sit through that night.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. There are so many issues that leave mothers single to raise their child alone and those issues many of the time could be the absolute right choice to have made. I think you are increadibly strong willed to be so persistent in your amazing care of your daughter. If is obvious that she is in phenominal hands and I'm sure you made the right decision with her father. Keep up your spirits. Your sacrifices will pay off and just know you have people behind you, supporting your through this blog.
I have to admit to you that I may have been a bit biased against single moms BEFORE reading your post. I grew up with both parents, my mom and dad have been happily married for 27 years. I have previously had the mindset that you described "what is wrong with her that she is back in the dating game and not with the father" I've never thought particularly that there was something WRONG with you, just that you made decisions that got you to this place. After reading this I have decided that I am ridiculolus for ever juding anyone. What right do I have? You seem to be a better mother than most that I know, married or not. You have changed my mind. :)
ReplyDelete